


with all my doubt

by ravenclaw_has_claws



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drabble, Hurt, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), No real comfort, Pre-Sirius Black in Azkaban, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:34:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24143683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenclaw_has_claws/pseuds/ravenclaw_has_claws
Summary: Sirius feels disgusted at himself the first time he thinks about it. The fact that he doubted his friend at such a time… of course, Remus can not be the spy.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 9





	with all my doubt

**Author's Note:**

> I'm reposting some stuff that I posted both here and on tumblr but I ended up deleting my ao3 acc. This one is from april of 2018.   
> \- you can follow me on [tumblr](https://ravenclaw-has-claws.tumblr.com/)

Sirius feels disgusted at himself the first time he thinks about it. The fact that he doubted his friend at such a time… of course, Remus can not be the spy. He hids his suspicion, not wanting anyone to know how bad of a friend the war is turning him to. He feels ashamed, and he can’t look at Rem in the eyes for days.  
  
The second time, he feels anger. It’s the type of anger that —like fire— consumes everything, leaving only ash behind it. He’s not sure who he directs this anger to; maybe he’s hating himself for thinking about it; maybe he’s hating Remus for being so absent and making all his thinking possible; maybe he’s hating Dumbledore for being so trusting _that now there’s a fucking spy among them_.

The third time, he starts to wonder. Just for a couple of seconds, he asks himself how much does he know Remus, if Remus would ever do that. When he catches himself doing that, he cries and screams until his throat is burning. But he doesn’t forget.

By the fourth time he seriously doubts Remus’ loyalty, he lets himself believe it. Because Remus is always disappearing, he doesn’t even come to all the Order meetings, and he never says where he’s been. So, Sirius cries again, but this time iT’s an angry cry, it’s the cry of someone who has lost a brother, a part of themselves. Because the marauders were not as inseparable as Sirius had thought, they weren’t unbeatable.

When he tells James about his suspicions, James yells at him. They yell and Sirius ends up leaving with tears in his eyes, because he doesn’t want to believe it either, _but Remus is not there_. 

That is not the only time James and him fight about Remus. James is too loyal to see that they are at war, and that things are different now. So Sirius gets the same answer every time: “you’re acting like he was afraid we would act when we discovered he was a werewolf.” But Sirius isn’t, he really isn’t. He wouldn’t be doubting Remus if he disappeared so many times, _he isn’t blaming him because he’s a werewolf_.

He never tells Remus, though. He never confronts his old friend because he’s afraid of being right, he’s afraid that if Voldemort knows about Remus being a spy, he’ll do something. So he warns his friends, he warns everyone he thinks will listen to him. And when his chest hurts at the thought of his friend being a traitor, he warns himself.

And in that horrible night, Sirius doesn’t even think about Remus, his mind is too focused on Wormtail, on Peter Pettigrew, the traitor. He was bathing in betrayal, in pain, in anger… And as they carried him to Azkaban, he laughed. He laughed because Peter, sweet, lovely Peter had been the one to sell them to Voldemort.

Once in his cell, with his forehead sweaty and his hair messy, with his throat burning, his eyes start to fill with tears, at the same time as his heart begins to fill with pain. How could he have doubted Remus?, he asks himself, damning his whole existence, damning Remus’. If he hadn’t been so focused on blaming Remus, maybe he would have seen the signs. Maybe, he would have one friend outside that prision.


End file.
